Attachment interruptions are dangerous…like a scratched cornea,
relationship ruptures deliver agony.”
Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, Richard Lannon, A General Theory of Love
In this article, we explore the idea of love as a mirror, look at different attachment patterns, and revisit John Bowlby’s 1944 study of the 44 juvenile thieves to see how it has shaped psychotherapy and society.
Earlier, we talked about John Bowlby’s attachment theory. In this article, we share more details about his key work and how his ideas have shaped psychotherapy, mental health, and society.
We also include a worksheet to help you understand and break cycles of blame, frustration, numbing, shutting down, and lashing out—patterns that can turn loving relationships into sources of conflict.
John Bowlby-1944
Bowlby’s 1944 study of juvenile delinquents laid the groundwork for Attachment theory, which explains how we form and keep relationships.
The study looked at 44 juvenile delinquents and compared them to 44 emotionally troubled children who did not steal. Bowlby interviewed the mothers and talked about their challenges with a social worker.
He found that problems with forming relationships can increase the risk of offending. While these findings support the idea that early childhood experiences shape later behavior, it’s important to remember that correlation does not always mean causation. Other factors may also play a role, but Bowlby believed that broken early attachments could lead to future delinquency.
Later studies have backed up his ideas, showing that insecure attachments in early life are strong predictors of later behavioral problems.
This highlights the need for early support to help children who have difficult experiences, in line with Bowlby’s original insights.
Juvenile crime is not just caused by psychological factors. Social and economic issues, like poverty, few recreational activities, and poor housing, are also important. To truly understand juvenile delinquency, we need to look at all these factors together.
Core Theoretical Ideas
Attachment is a natural system that helps us seek safety and comfort from caregivers. Simply put, it’s like how a child feels safe in a parent’s arms, able to explore but always able to come back for security.
Internal Working Models are mental pictures of ourselves and others that we form in early relationships. These guide our expectations, emotions, and future relationships. Think of your mind as a library filled with stories from childhood about how people treat you and how you see yourself. These stories shape how you relate to others as you grow.
Continuity and Change: Early patterns shape our development, but new experiences and therapy can help us change and grow.
The Mirroring Worksheet can help you notice your patterns, build healthier relationships, and pause when old habits return. The ABCDE sheet is another tool to help you slow down and reflect.
Ghosts in Family: Adapting John Bowlby Shimla-1940s..British India :This theme took me back to the oft-repeated remark of my father, who lost his mother when he was less than five years old. “I never had a mother,”
Family of origin: Looking back at my parents’ childhood patterns helped me understand some lasting truths. My father’s mother died in the early 1940s, when he was under five years old.
Bowlby’s attachment theory can be used with Time and Truth tools. By looking at a family’s timeline, we can see how our earliest moments and our first caregivers become our first mirrors.
This theme took me back to the oft-repeated remark of my father, who lost his mother when he was less than five years old. “I never had a mother,” he would say.
He was born in British India and lived in a collectivist Joint family arrangement, brought up with his extended family, cousins, and other family elders. His father started in the fire department of Shimla, British India, in the 1930s and then worked in the Ministry of External Affairs from 1947 to 1969.
DEVELOPING DEEPER RELATIONS : WALKS AND LOCAL HISTORIES
Mindsight means developing an observer’s mind to find meaning and gain insight. To practice this, spend 30 seconds just watching your own thoughts. Don’t judge—just notice what comes up. This simple exercise can help you turn the idea of mindsight into real experience, building self-awareness and a better understanding of your relationships.
Doing the exercise of noticing how someone relates to me, what they reflect back, and how I see myself through that relationship made me think about some of my mentors.
One of my mentors is my spiritual guide. We try to meet once a month and walk by the Humber River in the Old Mills area, at Etienne Brule Park. We often sit and meditate around 2 pm, wishing for peace and harmony for the earth, all people, and all living beings. There is a memorial stone in Etienne Brule where we reflect on the words of Robert Burns. This memorial honors David Dryburgh Birrell (1942-1998).
..
..
Whatever mitigates the woes or increases the happiness of others
That is my criterion of goodness.
Whatever injures society as a whole or any person in it
That is my measure of iniquity.
Robert Burns
LOCAL HISTORIES-PARKS AND MEMORIALS
Prem Narain Bhatt PNB Memorial-Erindale
PNB Memorial-Erindale
David Dryburgh Birrell Memorial-Etienne Brule
Over the past decade, my family and I, immigrants from India who lived in Libya and Malta before coming to Toronto, have built personal connections and memories in some of these parks.
These spiritual connections have helped us feel more at home in this community. Last summer (2025), while my mentor and I sat by the memorial stone, someone praying nearby came over and asked, “Did you know David?” We replied, “We did not know him in his physical life, but we feel his spiritual presence.” He told us he knows the family and spoke about David’s peaceful nature. Connections like these can be healing. As we walk a spiritual path, we meet fellow travelers.
RESOURCES FOR REFLECTION- You can download the original report of John Bowlby-1944; Worksheets on Emotional Mirroring and ABCDE sheets
Group Therapy Sessions at Mantra of Hope Counselling
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Addressing patterns that create emotional distance in relationships. Develop skills for healthy intimacy and authentic connection.
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Real Stories, Real Healing
We weave authentic life experiences with evidence-based therapeutic guidance, creating a tapestry of understanding that speaks to both the heart and mind. Each session combines:
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Our approach draws from proven therapeutic models, customized for your unique needs:
🔗 Attachment Theory (Bowlby) Understanding how early relationships shape current patterns and building secure connections
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Reviewing some journeys and fellow travelers this year, made me see the spokes of the wheel of Satipathana Sutta and its applications in 12 step recovery groups.
I had grown to my desk, as it were, and the wood had entered into my soul….
Charles Lamb, 1821
Reviewing some journeys and fellow travelers this year, 2025, made me see the spokes of the wheel of Satipathana Sutta and its applications in 12 step recovery groups.
The second step of 12 step recovery says-came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. The Satipathana Sutta explores body, feelings, mind, dhammas- hindrances and awakening factors.
In Winter 2025 I took a course on Satipathana and over the year, have revised some scripts of 12 step recovery with the orientation of seeing the steps as a path to awakening factors.
Just as the Satipathana meditation groups (Sangha) are important, in 12 step work, you work the program with a sponsor who shares his/her experience, strength and hope and holds one accountable to the 12 step path.
In defining in power greater than myself and working on developing an active spiritual life, I was guided by mentors in 12 step recovery, made to list experiences of spiritual care in my life and also dig deeper into the meaning of dependence and independence, counterdependence and interdependence.
As I look back on some associations, I recall letters which have helped shape my experiences and orientations and how developing thinking places, and making the time to go there have helped me deepen this quest
Itabashi
This thinking place reminded me of the concept of twinning, how family journeys to Benares, Shimla, Delhi, Rishikesh, Dehradun, Bhopal, Ujjain in my childhood and adolescent years from Pune helped me understand nuances of the family and our shared journeys.
Dependence- we want and need help
Counterdependence- we need but resist or even reject help
Independence- we are self sufficient and do not need help
Interdependence- we give and get help to and from others
(Carnes, 1994)
Around 12 years ago, I wrote a series of letters to my sons when they were in Toronto and I used to stay in Tripoli-Libya North Africa on remembering my father Prem Narain Bhatt, PNB, the journeys which shaped his life and how he developed the concept of family after being married to my mother NB nee Uniyal and the association with Benares and Uniyal family helped him get a different feel of family life.
This can be tied to the concept of Interdependence- we give and get help- which shows how we grow together. One of my father’s oft repeated remarks was that his mother passed away before he was five years old. This complex dynamic I have understood in different ways, through my education in counselling psychology, but that is not the scope of this article.
Twinning of the families, interchange of ideas, thoughts, memories and approaches to spirituality make me see the way my father PNB approached faith and my maternal grandmother KU -Kamla Uniyal nee Bahuguna approached her faith life.
Discussing with 12 step fellows four types of Higher Power/God came through
Non existent God/higher power- Not available to offer help
Non involved God/Higher Power- Not concerned and detached from our lives
Accepting God/Higher Power- Who accepts that we fail and cares anyway
Punishing God/Higher Power- Punishes our mistakes, does not reward or help.
(Carnes, 1994)
Application in Spiritual Life of Family
The test of the program is outside the rooms of recovery
A Senior Fellow in 12 step recovery
On remembering the ways of meditation, reading, relating to spiritual texts which my father PNB and maternal grandmother KU imbibed in me, I would say that the concept of Higher Power/God which they modeled was an accepting God who accepted that we fail, cared anyway and helped me understand the pitfalls and need for discipline.
The Bow of Meditation: Practices of my father PNB -at different frontiers
For example – the practice of meditation for at least 20 minutes two times a day, which my father would do every day- has taught me the power of pause, reset, refresh and reflect at the start and end of a day. He used to practice this as his duties carried him to different frontiers from North East India in the 1960s to Sri Lanka in 1980s.
I have refined this into a mid week and end week retreat- where I close all phones/screens and do step work and see relation to steps, higher power and share with a trusted fellow. Over the years, this concept which is derived from the attitude of humility, acceptance and interdependence has helped me see by Blind Spots (BS1) and Bull Shit (Bs 2).
Ramcharitramanas-and my Naniji-Maternal Grandmother-Kamla Uniyal nee Bahuguna: Benares-1950s-60s
The “Ramcharitmanas,” was my grandmother’s go-to book to develop her faith. Through its devotional poetry and the story of Lord Rama, it immersed her in ideals of dharma, selfless service, and unwavering faith, cultivating bhakti (loving devotion) and a model for righteous living. The “Ramcharitmanas” embodies archetypal ideals—like Rama’s integrity or Hanuman’s devotion—which serve as internal compass points. Contemplating these figures gradually reshapes one’s own character and intentions.
Practical Actionable Steps: Readings and Discussions in Greater Toronto Area-2020s
Applying this to my current context in Toronto, Canada, I developed reading circles and discussion groups, in which we read from foundational texts of 12 step recovery and see how these relate to our life.
Two books which helped in making actionable steps were the 12 steps and 12 traditions and Bill’s Story in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). These texts help break the vast journey of spiritual growth into actionable steps- eg admission of powerlessness, developing moral inventories, making amends- which demystify the process and provide concrete daily practices.
For eg when looking at primary purpose and how overthinking can be a stumbling block, the 12 step path helped me be more aware of spiritual aspects of my own family-from by father’s meditation practices, my grandmother’s reading practices – and imbibe them in my own life and develop and deepen my connection with a Higher Power.
The raw honesty of “Bill’s Story” creates immediate identification. Having
heard step ones in the fellowship helped connect with a recovery community.
It shows that spiritual awakening can be born from utter desperation and brokenness.
For eg-one mentor told how he joined 12 step recovery, when he had started becoming very resentful of the drug dependence of his son. He wanted to get the drug suppliers eliminated. That desperate darkness made him seek recovery, develop a connection with a Higher Power and made the Profound accessible. Over the years, I have spent many hours in cafe tables discussing and developing steps and reviewing reflecting on connection with a Higher Power.
One such senior fellow, with whom I have gone for walks by the Humber-Old Mills area- told of his parents migrating from Europe to North America to escape Nazism between the two world Wars. Now 90 years on, he is witnessing those old wounds re-open with the conflicts in Ukraine-2023 and still on going.
12 step recovery and fellowship helped him facilitate a shift from intellectual understanding to experiential truth, fostering humility, connection, and a sustained conscious contact with a power greater than oneself, which has become the bedrock for a life of purpose, peace, and service.
Elements Awakening Factors at Itabashi
Reflection on these notes and reviewing the columns of inventories, powerlessness, amends, the positive coping mechanisms and integrating these with Satipathana- the Awakening factors of Mindfulness, Investigation, Energy, Joy, Tranquility, Concentration and Equipoise has added another dimension to Higher Power Awareness and connection in this year.
For this I often go to Thinking Places. Going to open nature areas or theme parks has helped me deepen this process. One such Thinking place is Itabashi gardens in Burlington, Ontario.
The elements component of Satipathana tells of Earth, Wind, Water, Fire elements and to be aware of the empty nature of the body, cultivating an attitude of non-attachment. The Forest and Trails in and around Itabashi give many occasions to be more aware of these elements in nature and within oneself.
On investigation of the nature of spirituality, as conveyed by Interdependence, reflecting on the stories and journeys of my parents, grandparents and life in the Himalayas in the 1920s, 1940s, in what was British India then, made me deepen the way our family has grown.
In this investigation I also use the concept from Robin Sharma’s book-the Monk who sold his Ferrari- in which he tells the story of transformation of Julian Mantle and illustrates how we reached here, who we are as a group or family , how we reached here and how shared meanings help us evolve to what we can become.
For example- Investigation into the nature of mindfulness in the early morning hour – when night turns into day- has helped me see the rock gardens, different ornamental plants and paths in a fresh manner. The nature of mindfulness (present moment awareness in a non judgmental manner) has become further refined and the awareness of energy of the different tones-happy, sad, anxious, neutral- has increased.
The integration of these into the Letting Go and Non-Attachment while doing silent meditation or walking meditation or mindfulness of breath meditation at Itabashi has added another dimension.
Exploring Local Histories and Integrating them with Spiritual Care
When we first landed in Canada, we went to Kariya Park Mississauga, which symbolizes the twinning of the Japanese city of Kariya with the city of Mississauga.
In my walks in Hamilton area of Ontario, I came to see the statue of the writer Leonardo Sciascia, who comes from the sister city of Hamilton in Ontario- Racalmuto in Italy. This partnership honours and celebrates the historical and cultural connections and how throughout the 20th century, particularly in the post-World War II period, a large number of immigrants from Racalmuto and the surrounding province of Agrigento in Sicily settled in Hamilton, drawn by employment opportunities in the city’s thriving steel industry. These immigrants and their descendants became a vital part of Hamilton’s social, economic, and cultural fabric, establishing a vibrant Italian-Canadian community that has deeply influenced the city’s character.
Through work in various recovery communities, I came across descendants of persons who migrated from Europe, East Asia, South Asia, Africa, South America, Arab world.
In the context of developing and deepening connection with higher power, I looked back at my own family history, the spiritual practices modeled by my family members and how going to a place of historical and natural significance, can deepen such a connection. In my diaries, I have recorded early morning and late afternoon walks in Itabashi gardens, and the way conscious contact with elements, awakening factors, local histories, family memories and step work can make a rich mix to deepen one’s spirituality.
You can download worksheets and work upon them to further develop your connection with Awakening factors and Higher Power/God.
Equanimity: Managing Anger -Comparing Narrative Therapy and CBT
I make myself rich by making my wants few- Henry David Thoreau
Modern man no longer communicates with the madman . . … and expels from the memory all those imperfect words, of no fixed syntax, spoken falteringly, in which the exchange, between madness and reason, was carried out.
Michel Foucalt, 1961, History of Madness
Michel Foucalt- History of Madness-1961- was one of the foundational influences of the founders of Narrative Therapy-Michael White and David Epston
In this article we discuss ways in which different approaches can benefit in defining an issue, taking the example of anger. Anger leads to loss of equanimity.
The word equanimity comes from Latin roots meaning “even” and “mind”. Holding what passes through your mind in spaciousness to stay in balance, moving beyond the reactive mode is achieved by Equanimity. The chain of expectations, desires, wants, are broken leading to alleviation of suffering.
The following are some exercises which I have found useful in moving into Equanimity.
1- Write down ways in which one starts becoming less balanced.
A written record of the ways in which one starts going into the cycle of expectations, desires, wants, fears, greed, disgust can give a good opening into the habits of the heart and head. One way to sharpen this focus is to read a newspaper/news-site for 15 minutes and keep classifying under the headings of greed, fear, disgust the feelings evoked by the articles.
Spencer, the young boy who had the issue of soiling was told to characterize in near and particular terms, how this issue is affecting and ruling his life. His parents were told to characterize how this issue rules and ruins their lives. Then Spencer was asked to give a name to this issue of Soiling. He called it Mr.Mischief. They went on to relate to this issue in a particular rather than general manner, and in a near rather than distant way, thus helping define the boundaries and borders of the issue, get a better handle on it and define their relationship to the issue.
This example of Spencer, illustrates how to externalize and objectify an issue which is affecting one’s life, and then create a statement of position map, which can help one create a plan and monitor our process.
3- Creating personal examples : Balance of the Lotus
Eastern traditions see the Lotus flower as an embodiment of purity, enlightenment and rebirth. The balance between beauty and adversity are shown in the growth process of the Lotus, as it emerges above mud and water. It symbolizes harmonious balance between earthly struggles and divine purity.
Nature walks and creating living symbols of these experiences has been a way to enhance balance in my life.
4- Case Scenario: Anger seen through different counselling approaches (Narrative/CBT)
Mr. S, presents with anger, which has affected his work, relationships, standing in community
NARRATIVE THERAPY APPROACH
Externalize – The history of anger, as if it is a creature outside of oneself waiting to get inside you
Therapist Role-is on listening, accepting, non-judgmental, non-confrontational statements..to be like a Junior Partner, Investigative Journalist,
Imagery sees himself being taken away from grandson
Cognitions I am a middle aged man who is being deprived of my rights,
standing in unfair manner
Interpersonal angry at wife , sons, in-laws
Drugs takes alcohol to drown the pain
NARRATIVE THERAPY approach uses interventions like externalizing, metaphors, mapping to develop a near and particular relation with the issue.
Mr.S went into the history of anger, by asking to see it as a creature outside oneself who is thinking of ways to trick him into losing his calm. Mr.S told of his early years of immigration from Bombay, India to Canada, how he saw his mother being beaten by his alcoholic father, his being bullied in school. As he became a teenager, he stopped these things as best as he knew.The “Bullied became the Bully”. On being asked to give a name for Mr.Anger he came up with two metaphors. He first called Mr.Anger the “Dragon”. However, on reflection he said, “If I am still riding this creature and getting taken for a ride in my seventh decade of life, then I am riding a Mr.Donkey”.
After establishing rapport, agreeing that anger-related issues are worth exploring and addressing, we set about seeing how Mr.S has constructed his life around anger by
1- Externalizing anger
2- Deconstructing anger narratives
3- Re-authoring personal stories
4- Exploring values and intentions
5-Creating alternative responses
1- Externalizing anger
Encouraging Mr.S to treat Mr.Anger as a separate entity or character helped distance himself from anger and view it as something outside of his core identity. Be doing this he gained a new perspective on his anger, started seeing how his life would be without anger and create a map to challenge the dominance of anger in his life.
2- Deconstructing anger
We explored the stories and meanings Mr.S attaches to his anger. Through telling these stories we were able to examine the underlying beliefs, assumptions, and cultural influences that contribute to his anger. For example, as he recalled the weekend discussions which turned into angry arguments in his family of origin, he became more clear about how issues of safety, and the way to deal with un-ease through lashing out or suppressing became a dynamic in his life. This has in different forms played out in his family of creation, and he can now see this pattern even in his interactions with the in-laws of his sons. Deconstruction helped gain insight into the origins and maintenance of anger.
Scripting of the scenarios which continue to trouble him in is life in the present, helped develop alternative interpretations. Through role plays, we started developing better results.We refined these approaches through counselling and keeping an Anger Journal (He called it Riding with Mr.Donkey journal)
3- Reauthoring personal stories:
The scripts made through externalization,deconstruction tools above helped Mr.S gain the power to rewrite his narratives, explore alternative perspectives and be more aware of how his prejudices and projections are affecting his relationships. New stories began to emerge which offered new ways of understanding and creating his experiences.
Shifting from being defined by anger to seeing himself as capable of change and growth, and being a channel of peace, understanding, and kindness has helped Mr S and his family be very different from where they were a year ago.
4- Exploring values and intentions:
As Mr.S evolved from a “Head over Water” Survival level recovery to a more wholesome bigger version of himself, he began to examine his values and vulnerabilities, intentions and impact regarding anger. As we explored pivotal life moments, the purpose anger has served in his life, he changed his way of looking at his teenage years, and also his work, family and community. This led to a deeper understanding of his emotional experiences.
This exploration paved the way for aligning anger with personal values, he rebuilt his relationship with his estranged wife and children, and has started exploring healthier ways of expressing his needs, feelings, situations and story.
5- Creating alternative responses:
The list of alternative responses to Mr.Anger (Dragon/Donkey) helped challenge the dominant narrative that aggressive or destructive behaviours result from anger. He started developing new strategies to harness anger constructively. His strengths, resources, alternative stories enabled him to respond to anger in ways more in life with desired outcomes.
Key points and summary
Creating balance through understanding the borders and boundaries of an issue helps one come up with creative ways to enhance life. Through keeping a written record of the way issues like anger speak in one’s life, how they disturb equanimity, we saw two different approaches to this issue- a classic Cognitive Behavioural therapy (CBT) approach and a Narrative therapy approach (NT). Creating a positive journal of values, symbols and metaphors (Lotus, dragon, donkey, map, territory, journey) helped co-create better life options.
Exercise
Do you have an issue which you need to see through a different lens? Write how it has spoken to you in your life and discuss as appropriate. Alternatively, write a letter to the issue.
References
White, M. (1984). Pseudo-encopresis: From avalanche to victory, from vicious to virtuous cycles. Family Systems Medicine, 2(2), 150–160.https://doi.org/10.1037/h0091651
White, M. (2007). Maps of narrative practice. WW Norton & Company.
Modern man no longer communicates with the madman . .
. There is no common language, or rather, it no longer
exists……..The language of psychiatry, which is a monologue
by reason about madness, could only have
come into existence in such a silence.
Foucalt, 1961
The Madhouse- 1812-1819- Francisco_de_Goya_-La_casa_de_locos-_Google_Art_Project: Modern Man no longer communicates with the mentally disturbed….Michel Foucalt, 1961
Are you tired of trying to explain things to your family, with further misunderstandings, distancing and avoidance. Do you feel pressure from the pulls of your home country and the push from different generations in Canada? Do you feel that lonely with your own near and dear ones?
Give me a call and let us start working together. We are professionals with over 30 years’ experience in practicing and teaching Specialist Medicine in universities in India, Libya, Canada.
Having nurtured and helped my family navigate through the Canadian system I understand the ground realities and will use a Humanistic approach to make you feel heard, felt, seen and respected.
In addition to my Masters in Counseling Prashant Bhatt has certification in Cognitive processing Therapy for Trauma, Integrative Sex and Couples Therapy and Grief counselling.
These will be used to address intimacy, companionship, erotic aspects of marriage, and recovery from infidelity. These additional training along with my experience of over three decades in setting up customized protocols in Imaging and Medical Systems can be beneficial to anyone with complex issues across generations and continents.
Contact
Prashant Bhatt, MD (India), MA (Counselling Psychology), RP, 6478181385
Registered Psychotherapist
Mamta Bhatt, MA, RP 9055932287
WORKING ON EXISTENTIAL MAPPING-USING DOMAINS OF Self Care, Relationships- the BASIC ID Algorithm of Lazarus (1978)- and the Pillars of Existentialism- Identity, Isolation, Death, Meaning, Freedom.
B-Behaviour – A Affect S- Sensations I-Imagery C-Cognitions-